damn

i overslept today, it was supposed to be my first piano lesson. i feel awful. i would be home by now anyway. plus i may make some money tomorrow. uggggg. is being a night person a sleeping disorder? why do i have to make everything pathological. no, its not, im just upset. i was really looking forward to it. i guess i will go next week.

so, about wanting to have kids. i want to have a baby and my boyfriend isnt sure. i am 35. i dont understand how it is he cant spend so much time thinking about things. he will think and think and think about what he wants. i dont really have the years of analysis that he could easily spend.

love is starting to look different to me. when i was young, i think i bought into all this, women dont need anything from men, and etc etc etc. but we do. we need them to be committed to us and ultimately, i believe, most of us will choose to have a baby. we need a man that can do that and who wants to do that and who can be a good husband and father. 

first post

where to start. i am starting this blog because my boyfriend repeatedly read my physical diary, and now i am about to move in with him. i am abandoning that, which i have kept for the last, uh, 12 years. it has to go somewhere, doesnt it.

 i also have a file on my laptop that i will keep too. it has a password and is hidden. i figured all that suff out recently. so, now i will have TWO diaries.

and one audience (whoever stumbles across this).

most recently….i am a teacher. i love to write and i love to read. i am confused about love, and i want to have a baby. i am terribly romantic and i love nothing more than love and all of its….accoutrements. i am 35 years old, in a serious relationship, but thats all i feel like saying about that right now.

the most “remarkable” thing that has ever happened to me: having my mom lock me up in a drug rehab at the age of 16 for doing drugs when i had never done them. getting brainwashed into believing that i was a drug addict, running away, and suffering from ptsd for the next 15 or so years. going to aa off and on for the next 12 years trying to figure out if i was an alcoholic. (ive decided no although i do drink.) i had a nightmare last night that i was back in that place. straight, inc. last night’s dream was a bit different than usual though. i was in there, but i was allowed outside and there were other kids there. i think i was an adult but locked up as an adult. i remember thinking in my dream that it would be worth it to be in there if i could help rescue say, 150 or 200 kids. it was something like i was trying to convince them all to run away. i thought if i could do that. i remember even calculating it out, like how many would i have to save to make the damage to myself be outweighed by the good of saving so and so many other kids? i forget the number i set on. around 200 i think. what a weird thing for me to think about. actually, thats about the total number of kids that were in there with me. about 200 i think.

i love watching movies. some of my favorite movies are:

who killed bambie

the painted veil

million dollar baby

no country for old men

read my lips (the french one)

thats all i can think of for now….

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