Author Archive for marie2008

05
Jan
08

damn

i overslept today, it was supposed to be my first piano lesson. i feel awful. i would be home by now anyway. plus i may make some money tomorrow. uggggg. is being a night person a sleeping disorder? why do i have to make everything pathological. no, its not, im just upset. i was really looking forward to it. i guess i will go next week.

so, about wanting to have kids. i want to have a baby and my boyfriend isnt sure. i am 35. i dont understand how it is he cant spend so much time thinking about things. he will think and think and think about what he wants. i dont really have the years of analysis that he could easily spend.

love is starting to look different to me. when i was young, i think i bought into all this, women dont need anything from men, and etc etc etc. but we do. we need them to be committed to us and ultimately, i believe, most of us will choose to have a baby. we need a man that can do that and who wants to do that and who can be a good husband and father. 

04
Jan
08

the new movie atonement, analysis ad nauseum

my boyfriend and i started analyzing the symbolism in this movie and came up with the following:

 water = cleans guilt

blood = guilt

when the younger sister was talking to the dying french guy (and btw, why did they let a french guy in there? we decided its because thats where whats his name was, her sisters lover, who was also dying). the younger sister got blood on her face and the head nurse told her to go wash the blood off her. symbolizes her responsibility in the death of her sisters lover (sorry im awful with names)

then…or earlier actually, when he was walking in france through the woods and he came across a large area full of murdered school girls…..this symbolizes the death of the younger sisters childhood and innocence, and that she is now awaking as an adult and beginning to realize the magnitude of her sins.

 also, i noted that the lover died of dehydration, why the elder sister died from drowning. it was complementary and suggests how much they both needed each other. they were dying emotionally without each other.

the nurse – sister trying to wash her hands — obvious

both sisters at some point jump in water. alluding to baptism?? the lover saved the younger sister.

the washing of the feet in france just before the lover dies….he hallucinated his mom, but i think it was really a prostitute who either washed his feet or he just thought she did. either way, this alludes to jesus when the prostitute washes his feet. and my boyfriend said that in the bible, this happened just before jesus died. same in the movie.

and of course, that the boy lover took the blame and was essentially killed for something he didnt do. just like jesus. then, he and the elder sister lived on happily ever after in the metaphysical world created for them by the younger sister in her book. who knows, maybe even they met in the spirit world. the younger sister did sort of orchestrate all of the major events in the story….sort of acting as a sort of god-figure although she was certainly human and went from immaturity through redemption to some sort of grace. but it was by creating something – the book- not by being saved by someone or something else.

 thats all i can think of. it was a really good movie and beautiful to look at.

03
Jan
08

more movies

to add to my ‘first post’ list:

mystic river

atonement

solaris (original and remake)

bad santa

donnie darko

match point

I still think that the painted veil is my favorite favorite favorite move!!! I love the music. Love Eric Satie.

03
Jan
08

myers briggs

I am an INFJ on the myers briggs, probably the best personality test out there. Anyone interested in psychology should take that test and learn about it. Here is a description of the INFJ:

Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)


The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get “feelings” about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. They believe that they’re right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves – there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don’t believe in compromising their ideals.INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring. In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.<font size=”4″The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.Jungian functional preference ordering:Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

03
Jan
08

apparently…

What’s your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Classical LiberalYou are a classical liberal. You are sceptical about much of the historicity of the Bible, and the most important thing Jesus has done is to set us a good moral example that we are to follow. Doctrines like the trinity and the incarnation are speculative and not really important, and in the face of science and philosophy the surest way we can be certain about God is by our inner awareness of him. Discipleship is expressed by good moral behaviour, but inward religious feeling is most important.

Classical Liberal
68%
Emergent/Postmodern
68%
Modern Liberal
50%
Roman Catholic
50%
Neo orthodox
39%
Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan
36%
Charismatic/Pentecostal
36%
Reformed Evangelical
14%
Fundamentalist
7%

03
Jan
08

second post

i am sitting here thinking how miserable i am. and how much i hate people…..i am so sick of the way people give advice and talk about love and relationships and act like oprah, the most annoying person on the planet. i am sick of people who try to control others and are rude. I am sick of my boyfriend who is crazy. i keep getting my heart broken by him. not in major ways, just little things that break my heart. he is kind of nutty, but so am i. yet, i start thinking how great it will be to live with him, snuggle up on the couch with him at night. make dinner together. have a kid together and watch finding nemo a thousand times. then, he tells me that he is going to have to rewash all of the laundry because he thinks there might be some dust on it. he is ocd. he is nuts. i spent hours washing the laundry, and he wants to redo it. i dont have time….not that i will redo it, its just stupid.

and for some reason, something that small makes me feel like its not going to happen the way i dream about it. i am not an idiot. i know that people are just people and that romance is…..fickle. but i want at least to be happy. what if i am made to not be happy. what if its genetic. my mother AND father were just, not very good parents. i mean, they were …. nevermind. i want stability, and i keep looking for it and looking for it. i am stable. but i need people that are too. but it seems like everyone is either stupid, mean, boring, selfish or something else. i feel overwhelmed right now and nothing is making any sense. i am not making any sense and i know it. i just sound angry and lonely. i am….

03
Jan
08

first post

where to start. i am starting this blog because my boyfriend repeatedly read my physical diary, and now i am about to move in with him. i am abandoning that, which i have kept for the last, uh, 12 years. it has to go somewhere, doesnt it.

 i also have a file on my laptop that i will keep too. it has a password and is hidden. i figured all that suff out recently. so, now i will have TWO diaries.

and one audience (whoever stumbles across this).

most recently….i am a teacher. i love to write and i love to read. i am confused about love, and i want to have a baby. i am terribly romantic and i love nothing more than love and all of its….accoutrements. i am 35 years old, in a serious relationship, but thats all i feel like saying about that right now.

the most “remarkable” thing that has ever happened to me: having my mom lock me up in a drug rehab at the age of 16 for doing drugs when i had never done them. getting brainwashed into believing that i was a drug addict, running away, and suffering from ptsd for the next 15 or so years. going to aa off and on for the next 12 years trying to figure out if i was an alcoholic. (ive decided no although i do drink.) i had a nightmare last night that i was back in that place. straight, inc. last night’s dream was a bit different than usual though. i was in there, but i was allowed outside and there were other kids there. i think i was an adult but locked up as an adult. i remember thinking in my dream that it would be worth it to be in there if i could help rescue say, 150 or 200 kids. it was something like i was trying to convince them all to run away. i thought if i could do that. i remember even calculating it out, like how many would i have to save to make the damage to myself be outweighed by the good of saving so and so many other kids? i forget the number i set on. around 200 i think. what a weird thing for me to think about. actually, thats about the total number of kids that were in there with me. about 200 i think.

i love watching movies. some of my favorite movies are:

who killed bambie

the painted veil

million dollar baby

no country for old men

read my lips (the french one)

thats all i can think of for now….

03
Jan
08

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